I used to have this problem, but I somehow got over it by imagining to piss in the face of the queen of England. Something about unloading in her face while she’s sitting there all prissy like makes me laugh which relaxes my muscles enough to piss.
So thankful the internet still says infinitely more hilarious and baffling things on a daily basis than AI could ever manage.
Why do you think this couldn’t have been written by AI?
But what do you do now that there’s no queen?
Obviously the answer is to imagine Margaret Thatcher
Jesus, they want to relax not to crack the porcelain.
Or…Musk, trump, clammy sam Altman and Wario amadim, Stephen Miller, Pete hegseth, 5/7 supreme Court justices, the Palantir creep, Jenson, jensons fucking jacket, that lying fucking cunt at the white House that always wears a stupid little fucking cross, all the other lying fucking cunts at the white House… Howard fucking lutnik, bibi, Putin,
…this is a fun list! Who else did I miss?
Jk Rowling, Andrew taint, the Kardashians, the Logan brothers and Mr Beast…
Who else?
Peter Thiel, Larry Ellison, the Indian dude constantly setting off my Microsoft Authenticator
Clive Palmer and Rupert Murdoch
Baseball, cold showers, baseball, cold showers.
Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day! Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day!
Are you Irish, by any chance?
Nope I’m Dutch .
Also y’all think I’m joking but I’m dead serious
No one would ever joke about being Dutch.
So why not think about the king of the Netherlands/Belgium?
I tried this, but got a boner instead
This is what I stay on Lemmy for
The Queen and peeing reminds me of this
Absolute cinema
You think someone will follow a youtube link in the context of peeing on the queen’s face?
Who wouldn’t?
I don’t think this will help me, but thanks for the laugh
In the end she’ll be sitting there all pissy.
One of those comments that comes like a slap in the face with a hand full of cold water, in the morning
This is how I’m going to potty train my children. I’m sure it will work out fine.
Keep em’ away from posh elderly ladies otherwise there’s gonna be lawsuits out the wazzoo.
Thank you very much for sharing
What is opposite of this image/gif? That’s how I feel rn
Pro tip: If you have a shy bladder, you can just go into a stall to pee.
The walk of shame to the stall after standing silently surrounded by confident urinators for 3 minutes
Just announce that you were mistaken and you also have to shit, that should dispel any awkwardness.
Honestly no one cares. Do your thing.
If only anxiety listened to reason
Agreed.
However, you can’t spend your whole life listening to anxiety - that road leads to madness!
I still think full disclosure is the best policy, keeps everything above board.
Nope just give the ol’: “welp!” And stride on over.
Like other people give a piss.
Doesn’t work for me, must be different room.
In high school I was sometimes late because I had to find empty restroom, which sometimes meant switching between different buildings (4 of them).I had a buddy who got a Doctor’s note that let him pee and poop in the nurse’s office.
Damn, that sucks. You ever pee outdoors? Is that better
Old guy from the comic presses his ear to the door “Hey! I don’t hear shittin! This guys just pissin in there!”
Now I need an extra panel with him sliding under the stall like a mechanic under a car.
That guy is way too interested in other people’s evacuations.
Women/girls also frequently suffer from a shy bladder even though stalls are the norm.
It’s almost like humans have a biological expectation of privacy when peeing that modern American construction fails to meet.
Ever travel abroad? Japan has nice bidets but often times there are NO WALLS between the urinals!!!
Man in the 70s and 80s, especially at things like concerts and sporting events, they would just give men a long trough that continuously sprayed a little water. You could walk all the way around it and pee from any direction. Even as a kid I thought that was an uncomfortable number of dicks all pointed at the same thing.
Gallons of piss flow through the stadium
About 50/50 in the EU I guess, no walls between urinals are fairly normal, is it that uncommon in the US?
It’s nearly unheard of, with the exception of the trough urinals at large sporting events.
That might be a more regional thing. I rarely see dividers between urinals.
Buc-ee’s has entered the chat.
Potty like a rock star
T-t-t-totally dude!
I already do that. Urinals don’t have tp for pp.
You mean you don’t vigorously shake piss droplets all over the place?
This reminds me of one night where a group of friends went out drinking. Just before we were going to leave the pub to go to one further down the road one friend said he needed to take a piss. It triggered something in a bunch of us as most of us realised we needed to go.
The toilets were really busy; that situation where you’re pissing in what is basically a trough with your elbows touching the elbows of other guys next to you. Immediately on trying to go it just wasn’t happening. I stood awkwardly for about a minute, zipped up, washed my hands and went outside.
Everyone gathered round and we started walking. We were walking in silence for about a minute when one guy said “Did anyone else manage to actually pee?” To which loads of us burst out laughing. Turns out we all did the same thing, even though we needed to pee, we all failed to do so.
That’s a real group of bros
More like a group of betas!
No one is more beta than the guy calling others a beta.
Created an account just for this comment huh?
Probably evading a ban
Which of the male influencers you follow taught you this?
Douchebag.
If you have to insult other people to make yourself feel big, I have no respect whatsoever for you.
My pee smells like shit, and my shit sounds like pee.
One time I was in line to piss before watching a Mastodon concert, and I really had to piss, and I stood in line with like 50 dudes waiting for ye olde washroom, and there was like two urinals and a stall. Well fuck me the stall was taken, so not wanting to be a rude dick to every other dude in line I tried to use the urinal. So I whipped out mah johnson, and it was pretty much like the comic, got pee shy, held it for like 30 I don’t know 45 seconds or something. Nothing. I’m like looking over my shoulder at this massive line of of dudes behind me. Fuck. So I just pretended to shake it, shoved it back into my pants and was miserable having to piss the whole Mastodon set.
I fucking hate having to piss in public around people. It’s so terrible.
That’s Neil Kohney! Can recognize them testicular chins anywhere.
that guy looks like the dad from cloudy with a chance of meatballs lol
I don’t get fishing metaphors!
Thought the same thing.
The comic for the women’s bathroom is two girls in stalls waiting for the other one to leave so she can shit.
Great, now I’m not going to be able to pee all day.
Try counting to ten while you pee.
That doesn’t work if I can’t start peeing!
I used to sit because it was more comfortable.
Now I sit for… Different reasons lmao
All right then, keep your secrets.
frodo.gif
There are some clues though
I used to sit because it avoided any splash and is supposedly better for you.
But if we’re both being honest, we were probably always sitting for eggy reasons.
Penis gnomes.
Anybody that has actually cleaned a toilet will be aware of the benefits of sitting
Because you might unexpectedly shit too, I presume
I guess you should change your name mmh
Ha! I bet you don’t have balls to tell the reason! /s
Sitting is also nice because you don’t have to worry about potentially wiping the seat.
So I don’t really worry about getting caught “not peeing” or whatever, but I do often take a moment or two to get started… and I also frequently attend concerts.
I never worry about being watched, but boy do I feel like a jackass sometimes taking thrice as long as everyone else when there’s a line out the door between bands…
What makes it especially hard is when the guy next in line is breathing down your neck
I sit down when I pee. There nothin that crazy bout me.
In the urinal? Like, facing forwards?
sidesaddle, like a prim and proper lady, all shipshape and bristol fashion
Like planking face down
You’re sitting down but You’re not making brown?
This guy gets it
Hah, I’ve literally been there. Imagine a 9’x9’ prison cell with two men, steel bunk “beds”, and a solid steel toilet. Also, you’re high on suboxone because there’s not much else to do in prison.
You’re a grown man, standing facing the toilet with wiener in hand, with another grown man’s head like 3 feet behind your ass. Standing there for what feels like eternity. And you’re thinking “Oh shit. He’s going to think I don’t know how to piss or something. This is weird. His head is way too close to my ass. Fuck, I’d better not fart. I forgot how pain killers and shit can make you unable to piss. It’s got to be the sub I took. I have to go so bad but I don’t know how to make it work. I did forget how to pee!”
And as you panic, your bunkie finally says something like “What the fuck, dude? Did you forget how to piss?” and all of your fears come true.
I’ve got this trick. Basically, I start relaxing the muscles on the way to the restroom. Not enough that there’s any chance I’ll piss myself before I get there. Just enough that by the time I’m in front of the urinal, it’s not difficult to start the stream quickly.
There was this one time I felt kindof bad about. went to the restroom where I worked (back before I was working remotely) and used “the trick” as usual. I get there, and there’s a guy at one of the urinals already. I peed, flushed, washed my hands, and left the restroom before he produced a drop.
Of course, in all likelihood, “the trick” won’t continue to work so well as my beard grows grayer, and some day I’ll be the other guy.
No thinking of waterfalls?
Honestly, leaving ultra quickly is the kindest thing you can do if he’s struggling.
This is one of the reasons why I don’t understand how other men use urinals. Like how do you manage the absolute lack of privacy?? And I’m not even talking about hygiene (you don’t use toilet paper when using a urinal)
Everybody shows up to do something specific and keeps their eyes on the road. Unless you drop your pants to your ankles or you’re packing SERIOUS heat there’s nothing to see anyway unless you’re way out of your lane.
I find it MUCH weirder to take a dump in a “guest bathroom” that is a half bath with no fan or background noise and is next to the room where people are.
Also… unless it’s your first time with a wang, I am perplexed by why you would need toilet paper. Presuming you wash your body regularly and you wash your hands when you’re done it’s not like you’re dipping your fingers in the stream or putting it away wet.
The wang does remain wet no matter how much you shake it. And that’s pretty uncomfortable to me even though I do wash regularly. It’s like not washing your hands after eating greasy chicken. Yes, you will eventually wash it off some time later but going around with dirty hands all day long is just unpleasant.
I guess I don’t follow. Are you saying that you give it a good jostle and it’s wet all day? Or are you literally talking about your hands?
As for me, I don’t have that sort of feeling personally. That doesn’t invalidate what you’ve got going on of course.
I mean it becomes dirty after the leftover urine dries up. I’m sure for some people it’s okay, but I really dislike it.
It’s just kinda funny we make men piss in troughs cock out side by side while women have always been given the dignity of a door. We really did just go “idk you guys are animals figure it out piss in this hole next to that other pissing guy”
Which is why I always stan a properly built gender neutral bathroom with floor to ceiling doors for everyone. Bliss. Pee in privacy, my toilet is my kingdom.
… we also have private rooms with toilets you know. How else do you think we go nr2? Shit in our hands and fling it around?
Urinals are just more convenient and quicker, and nobody forces you to use them.
You dont shit in your hand and fling it around? Aw man ive been doing it wrong this whole time
Same way people handle bathhouses in asian countries. You learn to stop caring so much about your naked body
Urinals are so weird. I only use them if there is no free or reasonable clean stall. Sitting down to pee is in every way superior.
Why not raise the seat and pee while standing? It’s a little bit trickier since you have to have a good aim, but it’s as quick as with urinals but you get the privacy
I’ll do that if the seat is visibly nasty in public restrooms. But generally, maneuvers like this are what makes public restrooms nasty in the first place. So I try to avoid that, even with the seat up.
Sitting down to do it isn’t quite as fast since you’re dropping drawers, and the seat can be a catastrophe that you’d rather not touch on occasion. Nonetheless we should pee as like.
When I was in boot camp for the Marine corps the rule was three to a urinal. And when we went out to the rifle range for a week or whatever, the toilets were just in a room, six toilets, not a wall in sight, in just a room. I was fortunately not piss shy, but they definitely force it out of you if you are. Fortunately, by the time we were at the range, privacy had stopped being a concern.
This was 2009 when boot camp was still segregated men and women.
That is quite brutal. But it does seem to be very effective. This is interesting. Thanks for sharing your story!
the rule was three to a urinal.
How long does it take to piss? 60 seconds? Couldn’t they just wait and go one after another?
Never served; don’t know for sure.
It makes more sense when you consider that the point is to get rid of the psychological blocks that would keep you from being able to do your business as quickly as possible whereever possible under whatever circumstances. That three to a urinal thing is under a short time limit.
Read up on what snipers do.
Yeah, everything is counting down. They start with left sock, right sock, go from there. You have 60+ guys, they’d finish head calls in “100 seconds,” and I put them in quote because it’s a guy screaming backwards from 100 as fast as he can. And so the point is, yes, removing psychological blocks to certain behaviors, getting you to move fast all the time, and obey orders immediately. It’s pretty effective.
urinals are weird and no one likes them
not only that but there are no dividers between the urinals, which you would think as a completely basic necessity
the alternative is using a toilet that some animal could have nuked
Many urinals do have dividers. But also it’s just not an issue, everyone is there for the same thing and no one is looking anywhere other than in front anyway. I very much like them because thet mean I don’t have to touch a public toilet seat, plus they’re the reason there’s rarely a line on the men’s bathroom.
Like how do you manage the absolute lack of privacy??
The same way as when i’m in swing bars.
Damn so my friends who use urinals… Interesting.
I feel this, also if I just can’t squeeze anything out there is this additional awkward thought process.
When do I put it away? Will they know I didn’t pee? Should I shake it to pretend I peed? Oh God there is a child next to me. Now everyone will think I am pretending to pee to see this child’s weiner. I can’t step away now. I’ll just have to wait until the room is empty.
the bathroom never empties out, I die there.
I could write a lengthy essay about how the design of modern western public bathrooms reflects our social hypocrisies, inconsistencies, and social ills. In fact I have been gathering thoughts for a while now with plans to do so.
And I too opt for a stall whenever possible, I’m a cis-presenting man but I still don’t feel safe enough at a urinal for the pee to flow. But this stuff is often invisible to those it doesn’t affect adversely.
!subscribe
Sounds like an interesting read that i would want to read. Also, having some paper to dry up is also really nice.
