It’s more of a “Junk Drawer” in my family. Just for things that have no relevant places or are easily categorized, but are important enough not to keep somewhere more out of the way. Always contains at least one item that makes it near impossible to open the drawer on first pull and requires manipulation to open. For my family, it’s usually a hammer.

Always has been.

My Shiba very clearly is plotting to overthrow the government. Very externally visible inner monologue.

Something something silent auction.

The dad pulls up his pant legs to reveal his rainbow knee highs.

“A man of culture I see.”

What in the absolute fuck is wrong with this planet?

Good.

Bernie can read the room. These other fuckers very much less so.

Now do me.

Same thing that happened before. You were fine with not existing before hand.

Remember kids, when making graffiti, always cite your sources.

Bumblebees don’t sting.

“Seventy-Twoth”

Non-consensual Dick Cheese in my new band name.

Havarti. Semisoft, a little tangy, nice on a cracker, melts well on things.

(Jerry’s apartment. Jerry is sitting on the couch reading a magazine when suddenly Kramer bursts through the door, wild-eyed and disheveled, as usual.)

Kramer: (throws his arms up dramatically) “They canceled me, Jerry! CANCELED!”

Jerry: (startled, looking up) “Canceled? Canceled from what? You’re not even on anything!”

Kramer: “Oh, I’m on something, buddy. I’ve been doing the rounds on KramerTube—my web series! You know, the one where I rate New York City hot dog carts on ‘snap, spice, and sauerkraut consistency.’ It was a big hit!”

Jerry: “Your web series? You’ve been reviewing hot dogs and you got canceled? What, did you say something about ketchup?”

Kramer: “Oh, it was nothing, Jerry! I just mentioned that Eddie’s on 34th has ‘suspicious mustard.’ And BAM! The next day, the internet turns on me. Hashtag ‘CancelKramer!’ It’s trending!”

Elaine: (walking in, curious) “What’s trending?”

Jerry: “Kramer got canceled. Apparently, the mustard was too suspicious.”

Elaine: “You? Canceled? How does someone who already operates on the fringes of society get canceled?”

Kramer: “They’re trying to shut me down, Elaine! My sponsors pulled out. No more free hot dog samples from Louie’s Lunch Shack. And they’re not inviting me to the Annual Hot Dog Summit!”

Jerry: “There’s an Annual Hot Dog Summit?”

Kramer: “It’s a big deal, Jerry! Last year, they gave out a lifetime achievement award to the inventor of the pretzel bun. I was on my way up! And now… I’m OUT!”

George: (bursting in, holding his phone) “Did you hear about this? Kramer’s trending! You’re famous, buddy! You’re a meme!”

Kramer: (suspicious) “A meme? What kind of meme?”

George: (showing his phone) “This one: ‘Suspicious Mustard Guy.’ You’re staring at a hot dog like it’s hiding state secrets. It’s everywhere!”

Kramer: “It’s out of context! Out of context!”

Elaine: “Oh, please. You love this. This is the most attention you’ve ever gotten in your life.”

Kramer: “Not like this, Elaine! They’re calling me ‘The Mustard Menace.’ My reputation is ruined!”

Jerry: “I think your reputation was already on thin ice when you started a hot dog review series.”

Kramer: “I’ll have you know, Jerry, my series was bringing awareness to the integrity of this city’s sausage scene! And now, thanks to the internet mob, it’s all over!”

George: “What’s the problem? You’re famous. Lean into it! Do a redemption tour. Write a mustard manifesto.”

Kramer: (perks up, thoughtful) “Redemption tour, huh? That’s not bad. I could partner with Grey Poupon! Maybe start a charity for underprivileged condiments…”

Jerry: “Sure, because what the world really needs is your hot takes on relish politics.”

Kramer: (snaps his fingers) “This isn’t over, Jerry. I’ll rebuild. Hot dog by hot dog, I’ll clear my name!” (storms out dramatically)

Elaine: (watches him leave) “How long do we give him before he’s banned from another summit?”

Jerry: (smirking) “Two weeks. Tops.”

Something something banana organ.

Idk. I’m not an alien.

Tuna Sandwich

Ingredients:

2 slices Dave’s Killer Bread (21 Seed Variant), lightly toasted

1 can tuna

2 tbsp Hellmann’s mayonnaise

2 tbsp chopped pickles

1 slice muenster cheese

1 slice gruyere cheese

2 slices tomato

A handful of baby spinach leaves

1 tsp Grey Poupon mustard

Salt and pepper, to taste

Instructions:

1. Prepare Tuna Mix: Combine tuna, mayonnaise, and chopped pickles in a bowl.

2. Assemble Sandwich:

• Spread the tuna mixture on one slice of toasted bread.

• Spread Grey Poupon mustard on the other slice.

• Layer muenster cheese, gruyere cheese, tomato slices, and baby spinach leaves over the tuna.

3. Season: Sprinkle salt and pepper to taste.

4. Close and Serve: Place the mustard-coated slice on top, press gently, and enjoy.

Supervolcano eruption.

Not the momma! smack