I’m a right to death advocate, even for this kind of situation. We should all have the right to decide the time and means of our death.

That being said, you’re still early in the HRT process. You’re essentially maybe a third of the way through puberty, depending on exactly what you call the end of puberty. And, of equal relevance, you may be experiencing a need for your treatment to be adjusted. Dosing needs can change through the process, leading to increased dysphoria and dysmorphia.

So, check with your providers to see if that’s at play here, assuming that you want to continue on but don’t see the eventual benefits coming soon enough. This could be a side effect, the self perception and ideation. Seems like it would be worth at least talking to whoever is monitoring the medical side of your transition.

Also, while I sure as fuck won’t give any guidance on what to do or how to do it, your plan isn’t a good one. Way too likely to end up making things worse for you. You have no familiarity with firearms, or you wouldn’t be considering the method you present here.

I’ve known since I was 14 I was trans, ended up just having to suffer till I was 20,

Lots of folks go nearly their entire lives without figuring it out. Some even go to their graves still not figuring it out after a lifetime of misdirected malice.

You knew at 14. You made changes by age 20. By this metric alone you are already far ahead of many that have gone before you.

I realize my body is just gross and repulsive regardless, like my genetics are just cursed.

This is most of us. When I say “us” I mean humanity. An infinitesimally small number of us are physically perfect. These are the ones that end up on magazine covers and in big budget Hollywood movies, and many of those suffer devastating mental struggles we don’t see on the outside. Even most of the “beautiful people” have people have physical flaws. They have developed skills to accentuate their better attributes or cover up their less socially acceptable ones. These are NOT our archetypes to measure ourselves against. These are this era’s definition of physical beauty, thats all. Look at history for previous eras and see what used to define the pinnacle of beauty. Most would seem plain or even undesirable by today’s standards. So why is today’s era definition any more logic driven? Its not. Don’t compare yourself to it.

I think at 23 … and pull the trigger.

No. At 23 you’re not yet the “you” you will be in life. Our 20s, in western society, is when we learn about who our adult selves are. You’re not even at the halfway mark yet. Don’t let the 23 year old version of you decide to deny the existence of your 29 year old version, or you 80 year old version.

I just feel so horrible but I’ve been in pain so long I honestly feel

You know all of those stories and movies that let the protagonist return to their teens or 20s to repeat things or do them differently? The fantasy is having your mature adult brain in a youthful strong body. Its never to return to the angsty mental period of our teen years or the difficult struggles for identity of our 20s. In your teens and early 20s everything is emotionally extreme. There are the meteoric highs of happiness, and the devastating troughs of sadness and despair, and very little in-between. Getting older into your late 20s or 30s changes that. The sharp emotional edges are softened a bit, the extremes at either end are kept in check, and there’s SO MUCH MORE MIDDLE AREA and its so much better to live with! Yes there are still things that suck, and life will have some really hard times ahead of you, but you’ll be able to handle them easier. You’ll also have ahead of you much longer periods of happiness that can stretch years or decades. Not like the feeling of “winning the lottery” happy, that is always fleeting, and rarely realistic. Instead you get “comfort”. Like holding a hot mug of a beverage on a chilly day, and you get that warm contentment for years at a time!

Asking the questions of yourself is fine. Its good even! Seek the wisdom of those that have gone before you, and asked some of your same questions. Be open to answers you hadn’t considered before. For your situation specifically, find groups of others that have transitioned already. Don’t let others define an unrealistic measure for you and then call you a failure for not meeting it. Don’t do that to yourself either. Don’t deny your future self the life you have ahead. Find someone you trust to talk to about your feelings. I promise you, life is worth living.

Don’t kill yourself with a gun, there are better methods.

Also you must be cooler than you think, with you being on lemmy and all.

Also also, depression is real and makes people (you) kill themselves. Try out the drugs before hurting yourself, they work and you will feel better. Don’t be so arrogant to think you’re the only ugly fucker out there :)

Love you anon

The first couple of years of HRT are the most difficult. Check out the average timeline - big changes start to hit for most people around year 5. Once you’re 10 years in, no one will believe you’re trans and you’ll likely “forget you’re trans” most days.

I was in your shoes once upon a time, and I’m glad I stuck it out.

I’d be glad to be a resource if you want any practical advice on getting to where you want to be in your transition. That’s what this journey is all about, after all- making our outside match who we are inside.

I realize my body is just gross and repulsive

Why do you “realize” this as if this is a cemented fact that no one can dispute? Your appearance is unique and while you may not have met someone who has liked it yet (more likely, someone was open enough to admit it to you), there is inevitably someone out there who will. Everyone has different preferences and tastes.

I can’t begin to tell you how many times I’ve found the person called “hottest person of the year” flat out unattractive to my personal tastes. Meanwhile, as a straight guy, I have had crushes on that girl at school that no one thought much of, because I thought she genuinely was cute and because she is a nice, pleasant person to be around. Most of the time I was too scared to speak up and admit how I felt about her because I didn’t know what she thought of me.

While you may not have had anyone admit it to you, just like how you have walked by someone and thought they were attractive but didn’t say anything or how you’ve held a crush on someone but never said anything to them, do you not think the same has been done to you as well? Do you not realize that it is statistically impossible that this has never happened to you?

Regardless, your worth as a human being should not come from a place of how others view you and think of you. Your value should come from what you think of yourself and meaningful things like how you treat others.

I’m willing to bet that you are a caring person and you feel empathy for others. Many people who have these thoughts that you do are these types of people. They care and love others, even more than they do themselves. And I think it’s in part because of this feeling they have for themselves, not wishing anyone else to feel the way they do deep down inside.

That is what makes you a beautiful person, through and through. The physical appearances will fade with time but your personality is what resonates most with people. The people from your past who think of you to this day remember you for who you were as a person, not because of how you looked on the outside.

I’ve been suicidal before due to chronic pain and other hard health problems. I held on… somehow… and I did manage to finally make some progress. It will likely always be a struggle, but it did get better. The idea that such a change would ever happen felt ridiculous about 3 years ago.

Life is difficult enough when you don’t have health issues to manage. Our lives are more complicated than that, but wouldn’t overcoming that high difficulty level give you a real sense of pride in your own strength? I have that now. You just have to know and to believe that improvement is possible in order for it to come.

That won’t happen if you take the easy way out. If you haven’t tried each and every option available to you, then you still have hope.

You haven’t told us what all you have tried yet.

It might be worth it to try some volunteer work and see if you can get some joy out of helping people. Up to you what you do with your life, but if there is some kind of afterlife, it wouldn’t hurt to score a few points.

Please, don’t do it. Can I do anything to change your mind?