Do you remember when news was actually shocking?

Hogwarts has proven to be lethal. Multiple times over. For the staff it’s just a part of going to high school. Can you imagine getting an injury from playing quidditch? No you can’t. Because if you fall off that broom you just die.

Why do they build so many endless pits?! What possible purpose could that serve?

It’s already gone.

Can you imagine what things would be like if they all voted?

It’s literally in their Bible… This should just be standard. Not special.

He’ll take the money and imprison you anyways. We have all been seeing exactly how he reacts for multiple decades. Right?

There is a novel called “The Art of Monsters” that came out in the wake of Harvey Weinstein (not that he’s an artist). It’s a good read.

I had a roomie that played lol. After a month of not having a job and looking very scruffy he emerged from his filthy bedroom and gave me a grocery list. We were on good terms until I told him he had an addiction.

I knew there was a reason behind my morning wood.

I’ve had the first four books in the study at my mom’s house since I was a kid. My nephew and nieces will read them. We have the box set of DVDs from forever ago. Same deal. I wouldn’t consider myself a die-hard fan. I still don’t understand why die-hard fans could still be spending so much money on the franchise. Did they add to the books?

NEARLY HALF?

I grew up with seagulls (well, lake gulls) and they weren’t a bother. Then I visited the actual seaside… I wondered why there weren’t more chip stands serving seagull meat.

Honestly. I love Bob’s Burgers but I always thought that they put more effort into the signs than anything else. And that’s saying something.

Fat Tom Hanks is the only one without a moustache. He didn’t stand a chance.

False validation is a hell of a drug.

That’s the only thing he’s ever punched.

A guy down the street from me has been having a garage sale pretty much every weekend. I think he was probably charging too much before and has eased up a bit. He’s almost gotten rid of everything I usually see. I stopped in last weekend and he had a random assortment of old screwdrivers that said “free”. I got to chatting with him and mentioned that I’m trying to get a shop together so I can build toys (my sister was complaining about how everything is plastic for her kids). He was like “wait right there”. He ran into his garage and came out with armloads of tools and just said “there you go young man”. I’m not sure what made me feel better, the tools or that fact I was called “young man” at 36.

Southern Baptists must have the highest rate of homosexuality in the world. It’s all they talk about. They throw it in with absolutely everything. “Do you guys want to order a pizza and end homosexuality?” “What movie did you want to watch while we think about homosexuality?” “We’re going to Aruba this summer and we’re going to think about homosexuality”

I tried explaining this to my family. The legal documents you have to agree to should be a huge red flag when all you get is “you are caucasian”.