One time I prayed to God and a different God answered my prayer in a language I didn’t understand so I just gave up and became a Buddhist monk but then they kicked me out of the monastery on account of my boobs and also I was wasted on sharpies all day. So I went back home and prayed again to see if anyone would answer in my language, the only one that matters but no one answered. So then I became a Buddhist monk and uhhh something about drawing all over my tits with sharpies in a temple and some angry bald guy telling me to leave. He was nice though he gave me a quarter to call my grandma for a ride. When she picked me up she told me she prayed I was safe but some other God answered her in wing dings and I didn’t understand how that was possible until I remembered she has Stephen Hawking’s old rig set up for herself. So I prayed to God she wouldn’t crash the car because she’s not exactly mobile and guess what?! My prayer got answered by a guy named Steve who called my dad an asshole in the 5th grade. I guess what I’m getting at is if you pray to God you could have a fun adventure like I did despite the fact that there’s no such thing as gods.

You ain’t ever spin a basketball on your finger?!

My dad was a fibreglass monkey and he used to eat all the fake fruit displays when I was a kid. It was almost as embarrassing as when he gave a speech at my wedding and opened it with “All my bronies call me ribbit dick Tony”.

It’s because America is like a cool cowboys and Indians place when you’re a kid, then as a teenager it’s like the cool music/movie country with big cities and then you reach 40 and you’ve been to many other countries and realize America just sucks. It’s the richest country to ever exist, it could be a literal utopia.

I don’t know, the medical bills that result from whatever fun diseases you get from a 99¢ sloppy would probably be pretty high. Lucky for me I’m not American so and we don’t have White Castle here.

My favorite captcha is the one where you have to explain existential dread

My dad Ed Gein left me his recipe for knobschlager but I don’t think I’ll ever make it. It’s just Goldschlager with a few severed dicks steeped in it.

Why couldn’t he leave me something useful like a sandwich or something.

You know the best thing about long Florida is that they give the best Kentucky cock squeezes in the country. In case you didn’t know, a Kentucky cock squeeze is when a man or woman gives you a handjob with nothing but the grease on their hands after eating a bucket of KFC.

My favorite part of peeing is that you can’t spell penis without pee. Too bad that moron up in heaven didn’t name it a cumnis though, that would’ve been even better.

I used to peel all my croissants and store them in my walls as insulation then wrap the peels around real insulation and sell them at a local church bake sale. Man those old Christians love eating insulation wrapped in a thin layer of bread.

The pre 9/11 world was truly a different place. I used to cross the border into the states as a 15 year old to go to concerts with nothing but an old red and white Canadian health card that didn’t even have a picture on it.

I tried to explain to my 23 year old grandson’s co-worker that we used to have to jack off to magazines and he had no idea what the word magazine meant. What a sad little wanker.

An introduction to cat dick by senior meow meow is one of the most ridiculous books I’ve never read because it doesn’t exist

Almost as wild as that time I got high and watched old family guy episodes that I haven’t seen in like 20 years

I was at the restaurant when I learned of a Tailor who makes shoes out of raisins instead of leather and I got so excited I ran out on my bill and drove as fast as I could to the Tailor to get my hands on some of those sweet raisin shoes. When I got there he had several live mice in a bowl of ice all jamming out to rat in a cage by smashing pumpkins and then suddenly they erupted in laughter and ate my brand new raisin shoes. The tailor then charged me 1800$ for the shoes and refused to validate my parking so I got a 500$ fine. So I went home to my wife and told her we have to sell her car because the ice mice ate the raisin shoes I paid for and we can’t afford her car payments anymore. She stared me right in the eyes and immediately pounced on me and we made the most passionate love we’d ever made. It absolutely saved our marriage and with our new found passion we started a couple’s only fans and made 5200$ in our first month.

After making enough money to buy her a new car she left me for a woman who dresses as Bozo the clown for a living. Every now and then we have a three-way but I just really really want a pair of raisin shoes.

My favorite thing about the dude who jacks me off is that he’s me

Uh oh now everyone’s going to know I use pube straightener before laying my penile eggs in them.

Way to rain on my parade. Tabarnac, you just ruined my entire life.

If you’re a rabbit go nuts and bang other rabbits but if you’re a human person no no no we don’t fuck animals

AI gonna go on unemployment and take all the benefits from the rest of us