Ten minutes ago, I was watching the moon while listening to music. Specifically, “My Castle Town” by Toby Fox. And I just started crying. Tears of joy. I realized just how much I enjoy living. The pretty view of The Moon, the beautiful melody…
I never had any bad things happen to me. I love my parents because they are loving and kind, no trauma whatsoever, had depression once but I sent it away shortly. Lots of hospital visits though. But nothing serious. No girlfriends, no love pains etc.
I have basically nothing in my hands right now. But I’m always able craft new hobbies when I run out of them. By the mere power of imagination. In fact, I’m looking to learn French now because English was easy as fuck.
But while I enjoy life very much, I realize that I begin to distance myself from those that do not think the same. For instance, one of my friends never takes any joy from anything that he does. Say; complains about not having a girlfriend, being ugly etc. etc. He’s the most handsome person I’ve ever seen in person. And girls just straight up lust over him. Yet, he insists on focussing on the negative. Which makes zero sense to me. Why is he ruining his own life by refusing to see the good?
Now I do realize that most people are not as lucky as me to be with absolutely no problems in their lives. However, I had the “basic” set of problems that men my age have. Those being:
- Like a girl but she rudely refuses you (or even insults)
- Argue with parents
And my “friends” are always so offended by these problems all they do is complaining about them non-stop. One even tried to kill himself over a girl. I genuinely can’t warp my head around this. Why? When I encountered these things I never cared or at worst deluded my way out.
Why can’t people just sit down and appreciate life? When I’m sitting down waiting for something, the mere ability to move my limbs seems fascinating to me. I get out of so many things.
Don’t get me wrong I don’t mean any of this as seeing myself above others. (Although I do have a massive ego.)
Meanwhile, I will watch the Moon.
I try to see the world and everything in it for what it really is. I don’t believe in fate, god, karma, souls, etc. The way I see it, I’m depressed and don’t enjoy life because I’m just a collection of electrical signals/chemical processes inside of my brian. And my brain is fucked. I can’t relate to people who genuinely enjoy life. I get sparks of happyness but spend most of the time being miserable.
Another personal reasons for why I don’t enjoy life is change. I know that no change = no progress = boredom, but I still despise it. And look at that, literally everything in life changes all the fucking time. Loved ones die, pets die, the tech I love slowly dies out.
And then there is the looming threat of dying at any moment because I’m a fragile organism that can die even while sleeping. That terrifies me to no end. Just suddenly not existing. And yes I have watched motivational videos advocating for why we shouldn’t fear death. I’m not buying it.
There are more or less accepted theories in psychology that fear of death is ultimately the basis for all our fears. Fear of being left alone is a result of evolution telling us we will die without a community. Fear of failure because we would get cast out, hence being alone and dying without the communuty etc. The hypothesis is that once you accept death as an inevitable part of life, the path leading there will be much more enjoyable.
What I find interesting is that you are saying you dont enjoy life but are afraid of dying. If life isnt enjoyable, would disappearing really make a difference? (genuine question)
We experience the world through lenses that our brain programmed through our experiences. I think the extent to which one enjoys life deoends heavily on how that persons brain ‘expects’ life to be enjoyed. If your opinion is that life is generally not that great, you wont experience the different joys it brings. In some cases, our brains can be ‘tricked’ very easily. For example, when you have a hiccup, tell yourself ‘hiccups arent real’ like you really believe it. The hiccup will go away within seconds. What Im trying say is if you tell yourself that you are enjoying some things and that life is great, eventually that will become your new reality. The trick behind motivational videos/speeches/coaches is that you receive the information from another person. If you believe that person is telling the truth in saying life is great, your brain may adopt to that. Telling it to yourself is way more efficient though because your brain is already you, but it obviously seems stupid talking yourself into things you dont believe.
Of course clinical depression is a different matter and needs professional care.
I think I wouldn’t mind being dead, as I couldn’t feel anything anyways. But existing and then suddenly not even knowing I don’t exist sounds very scary. When I forget what I was thinking about a few seconds ago, at least I know that I did forget about something. I think the fear stems from the fact that no one can even imagine how death feels like. Sleeping or being in a coma isn’t even close as it feels like a time skip.
I imagine being anesthesized could feel similar, as the consciousness fades away and thats what we use/need for experiencing life.
But then you wake up right away. You weren’t conscious for hours bu for you it felt instant. We really can’t image it.
Yeah I think its just that minus the waking up again part. Probably just nothing. But yeah noone can know for certain.